| Gautama Buddha | | | | |
| | | | B: At the age of twenty-nine I finally looked |
| Born 563 B.C. | | | | beyond the walls of the palace. There I saw |
| | | | the four sights. |
| Died 483 B.C. (Approximate Dates) | | | | |
| | | | MS: An old crippled guy, a diseased dude, a |
| Buddha was born a privileged prince named | | | | decayed, nasty corpse, and an ascetic, right? |
| Siddhartha Gautama in Nepal. He lived a | | | | |
| luxurious life with his wife, Princess | | | | B: The truth of life: that death, disease, |
| Yasodhara, till the age of twenty-nine, when | | | | age, and pain are inescapable. Poor outnumber |
| he realized he'd never stepped foot outside | | | | the wealthy, and the pleasures of the rich |
| the palace gates and might actually like to | | | | eventually come to nothing. |
| take a look around. Seeing poverty and death | | | | |
| for the first time, he began to wonder not | | | | MS: That is deep. Though I'm not sure if I |
| only how the other half lives, but how to | | | | saw these things I'd leave all my possessions |
| attain a state beyond birth, death, or even | | | | -- and inheritance -- to become a monk. |
| desire. (If it were me, I would have run back | | | | |
| inside to the grand buffet.) | | | | B: You may or may not choose to walk in my |
| | | | footsteps. Remember that thousands of candles |
| Leaving the palace behind, he dabbled for six | | | | can be lighted from a single candle, and the |
| years in meditation, extreme asceticism, and | | | | life of the candle will not be shortened. |
| self-mortification, rejecting them all for | | | | Happiness never decreases by being shared. |
| moderation. After one particular stint of | | | | |
| mind-blowing contemplation under a tree, he | | | | MS: Apparently -- Buddhas crop up like weeds. |
| attained Enlightenment, and became known | | | | Some say you're the seventh Buddha, others |
| simply as the Buddha. His spiritual awakening | | | | the twenty- fifth, and maybe the fourth. |
| gave him brilliant insight into the nature | | | | Which are ya? |
| and cause of human suffering, and a knowledge | | | | |
| of how to become happy. The Buddha's goal, | | | | B: The incarnation of a Buddha begins long |
| then, was to teach his new philosophy to the | | | | before his birth, and continues moons beyond |
| masses -- or at least a few good men along | | | | his death. In fact, millions of lives have |
| the road. | | | | walked the Bodhisattva path on the road to |
| | | | nirvana. If you want a number, simply pick |
| The aim of Buddhism is to attain true | | | | one, and I'll wear it on the back of my |
| enlightenment, or nirvana: a peaceful state | | | | Buddha uniform. |
| where the individual is free from desire and | | | | |
| self-consciousness. Passed down by oral | | | | MS: OK, more importantly, who's the next one? |
| tradition for hundreds of years after his | | | | |
| death, Buddha (whose name literally means | | | | B: Like I'd tell you. I can share this: His |
| "enlightened one" or "awakened one") had a | | | | name will be Maitreya, and he'll appear after |
| message of love as the eternal rule, common | | | | Shakyamuni's teachings have disappeared from |
| sense, and focusing the mind on the present | | | | the world. |
| moment. For the last fifty years of his life, | | | | |
| Buddha spread the word through out India to | | | | MS: Yeah, that helps. Listen, I hope you're |
| pretty much anyone who would listen: nobles, | | | | not offended by this, but I keep reading |
| outcasts, common folk, and leaders of other | | | | about how you were competent in martial arts |
| religious faiths. His philosophy was open to | | | | and hiked for miles each day. So how come you |
| all, and he made thousands of converts during | | | | were, ya know, so fat? |
| his travels. | | | | |
| | | | B: Yes, you are mistaking me for someone |
| The largest concentration of Buddhists in the | | | | else. |
| world today resides in eastern Asia. In | | | | |
| India, Hinduism has absorbed many of Buddha's | | | | MS: The jolly, laughing Buddha with the |
| ideas, and many Muslims believe Siddhartha is | | | | potbelly. That's not you? |
| a prophet of Islam. Point being, there's | | | | |
| plenty of Buddha to go around . . . In fact, | | | | B: I'm afraid you are describing a character |
| estimates put followers at around four | | | | called Hotei, usually seen in China. He is a |
| hundred million, making Buddhism the sixth | | | | representation of an obese, medieval Chinese |
| largest religion on the planet. | | | | monk. I was quite fit. |
| | | | |
| Michael Stusser: I gotta say, you are one | | | | MS: Really? Well, can you clear up any other |
| happy fella. | | | | misconceptions about yourself? |
| | | | |
| Buddha: And for good reason: All that we are | | | | B: My eyes were blue, I had fine, curly hair |
| is the result of what we have thought. If a | | | | -- yes, hair -- and rather than being the |
| man speaks or acts with an evil thought, pain | | | | chowhound you may have imagined, I was |
| follows him. If a man speaks or acts with a | | | | indifferent to hunger, environmental |
| pure thought, happiness follows him, like a | | | | conditions, and all bodily appetites. |
| shadow that never leaves. | | | | |
| | | | MS: So, no Pringles, then? |
| MS: That explains why my back is killin' me, | | | | |
| huh? | | | | B: No, thank you. |
| | | | |
| B: Those who are free of resentful thoughts | | | | MS: And if I rub your belly? |
| surely find peace. | | | | |
| | | | B: Our interview will cease. |
| MS: Speaking of peace, what do you think of | | | | |
| all the statues and key chains and T-shirts | | | | MS: There are a lot of "nightstand Buddhists" |
| of you in hipster gift shops? | | | | -- freelance Buddhists looking for a quick |
| | | | fix. Some inner peace. Is that cool with you? |
| B: If they bring about spiritual | | | | |
| enlightenment, I'm happy to be the icon for | | | | B: There are only two mistakes one can make |
| self-reflection. | | | | along the road to truth: not going all the |
| | | | way, and not starting. |
| MS: But did you see the Buddha tankini from | | | | |
| Victoria's Secret? | | | | MS: You really are the real deal. |
| | | | |
| B: So long as it is not toilet paper, I am at | | | | B: Remember: Health is the greatest gift, |
| peace. | | | | contentment the greatest wealth, faithfulness |
| | | | the best relationship. |
| [There is a long, awkward silence. Two more | | | | |
| hours pass.] | | | | MS: I'm OK with a lot of this, but you were |
| | | | celibate from the age of twenty-nine until |
| MS: Ever hear of the band Nirvana? | | | | your death. Is that part completely |
| | | | necessary? |
| B: A band of enlightened brothers? | | | | |
| | | | B: Believe nothing, no matter where you read |
| MS: No, a hard-rock group from Seattle. | | | | it, or who said it, no matter if I have said |
| | | | it, unless it agrees with your own reason and |
| B: I have many devoted followers in Seattle. | | | | your own common sense. |
| | | | |
| MS: Try and make 'em give up coffee, we'll | | | | MS: Uh, it doesn't. |
| see how long they stay enlightened. | | | | |
| | | | B: And it doesn't mean that you will ever |
| B: Teach this triple truth to all: A generous | | | | awaken from the slumber of ignorance in this |
| heart, kind speech, and a life of service and | | | | life or the next. |
| compassion are the things which renew | | | | |
| humanity. | | | | MS: Sex just seems like one of those things |
| | | | that's on my mind a lot, that's all. |
| MS: Point well-taken. Say, odd question, | | | | |
| perhaps, but are you a god? | | | | B: However many holy words you read, however |
| | | | many you speak, what good will they do you if |
| B: I consider myself a guide -- a teacher. | | | | you do not act upon them? |
| But try and understand that there is no | | | | |
| intermediary between mankind and the divine. | | | | MS: Or don't act, in this case. |
| People create distinctions out of their own | | | | |
| minds and then believe them to be true. In | | | | B: Remember this: What we think, we become. |
| the sky, for example, there is no distinction | | | | |
| between east and west. | | | | MS: Then right now I'm a triple tall vanilla |
| | | | latte. I'm going to assume you don't want one |
| MS: Let's say I wanted to take a beginner's | | | | . . . |
| Buddhism class. Where would I start? | | | | |
| | | | [The Buddha is still and quiet.] |
| B: The secret of health for both mind and | | | | |
| body is not to mourn for the past, nor to | | | | MS: Your last words were, "All things must |
| worry about the future, but to live the | | | | pass away. Strive for your own salvation with |
| present moment wisely and earnestly. | | | | diligence." |
| | | | |
| MS: To be honest, I'm thinking about all the | | | | B: Yes. |
| errands I need to run this weekend. I've got | | | | |
| this bum lawnmower that -- | | | | MS: Well, dude, that was a George Harrison |
| | | | tune! From the Beatles? |
| B: Focus here, young man. The quiet. The tea | | | | |
| before you. The sun as it streams into this | | | | B: Beetles, boars, men, and women can all |
| room. | | | | learn from my inner peace. |
| | | | |
| MS: But so much of your focus is on | | | | MS: All right, but I gotta get you this CD. |
| suffering. You're like a Jewish mother . . . | | | | There are some things even I can teach the |
| | | | Buddha. |
| B: Think of the suffering as identifying the | | | | |
| disease. First we diagnose the problem, and | | | | B: And let me turn you on to a state beyond |
| more importantly, we prescribe the cure. | | | | suffering, called true Nirvana. |
| | | | |
| MS: More suffering? | | | | MS: So you do dig music! That's awesome! |
| | | | |
| B: Now it is you who are kvetching like a | | | | B: You have much to learn. Of this I'm sure. |
| Jewish bubbe. The road that leads out of | | | | |
| suffering is the Noble Eightfold Path. | | | | Copyright © Michael A. Stusser, 2007 |
| | | | |
| MS: All right, give 'em to me. | | | | The above is an excerpt from the book The |
| | | | Dead Guy Interviews by Michael A. Stusser |
| B: The Eightfold Path: proper understanding, | | | | Published by Penguin; September 2007;$14.00US |
| proper thought, proper speech, proper action, | | | | $16.50CAN; 978-0-14-311227-3 Copyright © |
| proper livelihood, proper effort, proper | | | | Michael A. Stusser, 2007 |
| mindfulness, and proper concentration. | | | | |
| | | | Author |
| MS: I'm sorry, what was that last one? | | | | |
| | | | Michael A. Stusser is a Seattle-based writer |
| B: Proper concentra -- HA! A joke from a | | | | and game inventor. His "Accidental Parent" |
| young mind. This is a beautiful example of | | | | column (ParentMap magazine) recently won the |
| proper effort, but your understanding is | | | | prestigious Gold Award from the Parenting |
| faulty. This will take time. | | | | Publications of America. Stusser is a |
| | | | contributing writer for mental_floss and |
| MS: So the Buddha goes into a pizza shop and | | | | Seattle Magazine, and his work is frequently |
| says, "Make me one with everything." | | | | published by Law & Politics, Yoga |
| | | | International Magazine, and Go World Travel |
| [There is a long pause. Like, painfully | | | | Magazine. |
| long.] | | | | |
| | | | Stusser is also the cocreator of The |
| MS: As a prince, you had it all. Your father, | | | | Doonesbury Game with Garry Trudeau (winner |
| King Suddhodana, even arranged a marriage to | | | | for "Best Party Game of the Year," GAMES |
| a wonderful gal. But you left it all behind. | | | | magazine, 1994); EARTHALERT, The Active |
| Why? | | | | Environmental Game; and Hear Me Out. |